Human+Universe

silent nights

2012-02-09T21:23:00.001+08:00

so silent is the night,
maybe they are visiting.

rain

2011-10-02T05:51:00.001+08:00

amidst the dark skies, light year stars twinkling, their weather unknown, its raining on earth, invading dreams...

of goodbyes

2011-08-28T04:50:00.000+08:00

the promised beginning,
arrived and left too soon.
in the end, we see familiar faces
at seashores of destiny

we said goodbye once
and never repeated it
for we always will arrive
at their destinations

-sivanesan

sleepless

2011-08-07T03:03:00.001+08:00

in the darkest of the nights
along unpaved roads
crawling into hidden futures
in the darkest of the nights
you dream a dream real
but when you wake up
its still yesterday
and the wait for tomorrow
is painful

of finding

2011-08-03T02:58:00.002+08:00

i have found her.

the pursuit of hapiness

2011-07-23T11:50:00.004+08:00

whom we are searching for, is not beyond some imaginary cloud, decked in garlands or illuminated by light. its not in the sky. they are just around you, beside you. holding your hand, giving you assurance that's its going to be all right. the pursuit never ends, but the person is only one, they always have been. in all troubles, there is assurance of some sane mind who will listen to you. in all heartbreaks, there is assurance that some good soul will mend it. in all ends, there will be them, god, lighting the unseen path and makes it all right for you.

where are you

2011-07-17T02:45:00.005+08:00

i find dead ends seeking for a solution. gates littered with death. minds crumble faced with uncertainty. my soul is broken, drifting for all to play.

pursuit

2011-07-11T04:34:00.001+08:00

in your relentless pursuit of the future, dont waste time stopping for people who doesn't share your passion. dont stop for anyone.

crossroads

2011-06-02T23:04:00.002+08:00

sometimes we stop the world for someone. waiting, wishing, wondering if they have done the same for us...

eternity

2011-05-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

it would have been easier to say no, than make you wait.

of days and nights

2011-04-26T05:23:00.003+08:00

suddenly theres alot of things i dont understand. its really hard to go through this.

...you

2011-04-15T03:01:00.001+08:00

for, its during the rainy seasons
when we sit admiring
the cool breeze and wandering droplets
we realize we are admiring the beauty of loneliness
from afar, of you and me

[feast]

while it lasts

2011-04-03T14:53:00.003+08:00

hahaha

2011-04-03T14:41:00.000+08:00

well, what can we say, we let go of our hearts sometimes, and it takes ages to come back. does that mean its taken?

always forever

2011-04-02T06:16:00.004+08:00

life takes many interesting turns. and we fall in love in many instances of time. its such a beautiful world to complement this life. and during some rough times, when everything seems bleak, just need to pray a little and look ahead. that everything will work out in the end, has always been the hope of everyone.

2011-03-31T11:14:00.000+08:00

i just dont know what to do, what to think, how to think, whats going to happen next, what really is happening, should i go forward, help me god...

drift through time

2011-03-17T03:56:00.003+08:00

once in a while the driftwood takes you to new places in opposite ends of time

life

2011-02-01T02:24:00.000+08:00

how bitter life is now. never let time pass you by.

shoutout

2011-01-26T00:09:00.001+08:00

here's to the world, by end of this year i wanna quit whatever i'm doing now and become a pro-photographer. (the pro part is optional :P )

wandering the meridians

2011-01-10T03:15:00.005+08:00

how does it feel to live a life of no end. the mind crosses time-lines trying to figure a rhythm to settle down. the earth becomes borderless, full of fantastic exploits and the heart yearns for wanderlust. earths' conquerors living and dying only to be reborn at the end of each destination. from fog covered valleys and colonial highways to mile long trains. pockets of humanity cuddled searching for the warmth of life and solitude of an overnight dream. bubbles of human emotion, of songs playing in dreams, the magic of not knowing their names but the names of the eyes. memories of opposite meridians fade away in half decades of life before we walk again to fulfill a new age of discovery. the universe begins again for everyone when you stop at some moment and felt you have forgotten that lonely path that you are gazing into, maybe its a new world. maybe you haven't visited it yet.

of age

2011-01-08T05:06:00.003+08:00

thinking about getting old, about people around you getting old and death bring so much grief. age does not seem to stop, its as relentless as time. days get older, scapes get older, everything dies. even memories become obsolete. the age is too fast. yesterdays are forgotten in an instance. in any relative transformation to the future, there are no more past to remember. its irrelevant. the wish for a circle of life, the cycle does not exist anymore. atleast not in our lifetime.

how would it be, if we live to a hundred years old and then age backwards. the perfect circle. living all times past and future. and returning to progeny. now that too will be filled with sorrow. as we see death have erased everything for you to feel nostalgic. for aging backwards is the same as getting old. as we walk back we dont find anyone relating to us anymore. the paths have already diverged, the memories converged into the singularity. everything seems to have become redundant.

liverpool fc

2011-01-06T06:05:00.002+08:00

i think lfc is finally dead and buried. they're taking 1 step front and back another decade. there is no team there, no control and no motivation. torres wants out of this mess, it so obvious from his performance. reina will definitely be out by the end of the season, god forbid man u buys him. liverpool needs a divine intervention. roy will be out by the weekend. or at-least after the fa cup tie with man u. a new coach must discard all the fringe players and build a new team. salvage the season, atleast finish within the uefa cup positions. and pray hard. liverpool will be in bottom three very soon if any of this doesnt happen. i hope im wrong on this.

the night ends again

2011-01-05T05:06:00.003+08:00

the sleepless nights bug me. i wish to wake up in different cities all the time. so many challenges are fought and won during nights. jumping timezones, satisfying herds of information mongers. i wish to wake up to where they are, living multiple existences. projecting the soul wherever its needed. bridging dimensional gaps, waking up to you. in different turns and twists, of highways and mountain roads, flying in dreams of dark memories. i wish for endless nights.

microcosms

2011-01-04T04:26:00.004+08:00

exploring this microworlds, there is so much life in there. an escape, a dream, tiny universes collected, connecting and floating in time. welcome to my world.

part of my 365 photos for 2011 project; album here [365 in 2011]

in the jungle

2011-01-04T04:07:00.004+08:00

long ago, through some very unfortunate events i learned that loosing trust would have big implications on my future life. once gone, its gone forever. im still suffering. but i have no regret over it anymore. the pain becomes numb after a while. and i try my best not to repeat the same situation surrounding this events. last year, because of some lapse i had to break this trust again to some very bad consequences. the lost of effort and time. and this year karma served it back to me. i didn't want to connect this, but the circumstances are clear. whats more unbelievable is the lie that was told. some people are so stupid to think i cant see through them. there are some basic ground rules when giving reasons, first of which is not to implicate another person. a deal with a client is a one to one deal. throwing pity on some other person is really really degrading and dishonest. secondly, lie consistently. coz one small slip and your out in the open. check back your facts and rethink what bs you told me. im really angry over this, i hope the person regrets this and learns something. dont bite the hand that feeds. and seriously, using that 10% of your brain you would know that the hand that feeds are the clients and not mine. im the intermediary, stupid.

a place at the far end of the earth

2011-01-02T22:51:00.009+08:00

this one place i keep returning to. my first sojourn was in 2001, it seemed so far away then riding my bike here. tanjung dawai is where i managed to capture some of the most beautiful of sunsets. among the people meet in your journey through life, there are places more human and rooted to earth. when you find them, you seem complete. and you go on to find more. and more. like a treasure hunt for pieces to complete a jigsaw puzzle in this great tapestry of life. it ends at a beautiful place at the far end of the earth...

part of my 365 photos for 2011 project; album here [365 in 2011]

drive, memories

2011-01-02T05:03:00.004+08:00

on an unplanned long drive yesterday, memories of death came to mind. from the vast landscapes of mountains and unending skies, all that crossed my mind was of death and the faces of haunting souls foraging roadsides and decaying forests. memory seem to remember each history that painted this roads. the pouring rain washed away much of civilization and the mesmerizing sea of fog brought to life ancient cities from rewritten histories. much was lost.

a new year

2011-01-01T03:18:00.003+08:00

wishing everyone a happy and good beginning to the new year. dont loose hope of humanity, there is so much to do, so much to learn, there is still time for us to change things. the human spirit prevails in the face of disaster, politics and hatred. live a life that is clutter free, a less confusing year, a year we appreciate everything we have more that what we might or will get in the future.

2010 has been a great year work wise, something I was worried would burst at the start of 2010, but somehow things worked out well. the negativity in rushing forward too fast, balanced well with determination to keep everything in control. My wish for 2011, is to judge less, for each future is written by their beholder. but to write a future that does not originate from us, then that is work, and it is someone else's future and that is where our trust and determination should be. being in a job line that at most times means scrutinizing the works of others, and at the same time wishing our own efforts doesn't go to waste culminates into alot of unwanted emotions. the pressure of being self-employed mirrors that of the gruelling days in office, meetings, appraisals, etc. but at the same time, a localiser sees his/her work in real time, on the internet, in devices, in popular culture. the feedback, and the impact is direct. mastering the trade doesn't necessarily mean you win the game. the game is understanding stuff from a user view point. here again, hoping I would not repeat the same mistakes, would not take promises for granted and would not undervalue myself.

there is/was much to say about family, friends life. but it'll be the same run of the mill story that repeats every year. people take you for granted, for they value you by what you bring on paper and not for the human you are. mistakes, however small will stay for life. people rarely forget, nor do they forgive. its a saying, never in practice. the smart thing is to just walk away from emotions, just to chart the path that you would hurt less, be hurt less and be able to perform your best. the reality is, relationships, like plagues, will kill you either instantly or by slowly gnawing at your soul. this reality, caused by living the life of others for decades has turned into a disease incurable. how long could someone take this with a smiling face, or just to throw the burden at god... god knows...

but at long last, the fight will be over, that day will become just another day, and another year and its tomorrows will be a different dawn. for all the hurt in the heart, there is still a night to end and a day to start.

happy new year, and here's a wish to the human spirit... love and let live.

6th year completed!

2010-12-23T02:28:00.001+08:00

with lesser posts, lesser attention span, lesser reading all because of facebook! :P here's for another wild year ahead!

and we are 40 more years to 2050.

looking forward, back in the future

2010-11-15T04:36:00.003+08:00

looking to write more, i remembered 5 years of blog posts and comments. read a few, and felt really happy :)

where are those wanderers, who have disappeared from this journey?

mondays

2010-11-15T04:19:00.004+08:00

what mondays? when you haven't even had a weekend. am i a bad planner, or am i taking in too much? will a sabbatical hurt my business, do freelancers take sabbaticals? too many questions. boils down to the loyalty of the client, and our smart planning.

வாரணம் ஆயிரம்

2010-11-13T03:04:00.001+08:00

it was san francisco, it was a desire, it happened. it was a coincidence, it was amazing. it was in songs, it was her. she didn't die this time.

crossing light-years

the next 5 years

2010-11-12T03:31:00.004+08:00

managed to persuade myself to write down the ideas. now hoping to put this into action, waiting for January, waiting to see what the new year brings. waiting for the full brunt of machine translation, waiting for money, waiting to see what it all means. waiting to see if i over-lived my dreams, waiting to see if i went too fast, waiting to see you.

on a another note, i can just quit this all and pursue photography and writing. that's for another day to decide. in January.

this journey

2010-10-20T03:21:00.001+08:00

alot of thing doest make sense now, alot more lost along the way. days and nights doesn't turn a difference, the sun and the moon, eyes unblinking. feet wandering the streets, streets meandering cold lands. the feeling of being lost, more now than ever, consumes the soul left open in search of divinity. disguised, the wounded heart walks along, in fever, in reverie of ancient lands. he wants, it wants the souls of the dead.

of the many walks, some trespassed into their realm, angered they invaded him. hallucinating visions, the sights and sound of thousands of years lived in a second. i am not unique, heard from the cry into the night, somewhere along the 10,000 mile road. from villages to cities, light after light, the sunrise hidden, but awakening cities mesmerize. they smile, walk and dance all in their own majestic world.

drowning, from river to lakes to sea. from all corners of the earth, stories alive. in this immortal land, you stood spinning along the axis of the orbiting galaxy. the stars above are no magic, for here they created even the beginning.

it was not love, not songs i seek. it is life, to share. when daylight comes in the morning, when the night speaks only in dreams, i will return. in this life or the other.

madras

2010-10-17T05:13:00.000+08:00

drove me mad, killed me. theres a lesson to be learned somewhere, i just dont know where.

stranded

2010-09-30T03:24:00.002+08:00

they are not wanderers. they built giant rivers through time.
so we hired a boat and paddled along the infinity shore. on the river bank, faces of desolate souls. waking up from their burning pyres. tired eyes watching along the path of no return. many worlds, we see them from sunrise to darkness. nights littered with zero machines, emitting light from an unknown source of energy. as they twinkle from life to death, controlled by some force, we see them taking form. they are humans liberated from this tragedy.

when life has walked past. and days become meaningless voids, no mirror can reflect. even time regrets not stopping. just for a moment and giving this universe a chance of survival.

when you are beyond, and above everything, one with your world. you are there, where each smile, touch and love is pain.

then the end.

of talent

2010-09-16T16:18:00.000+08:00

when talent becomes an excuse

i know

2010-09-06T01:59:00.003+08:00

of your evil play. among all this 'sciences' and all the non-belief i have on this system, i know what you capable of. i know you succeeded in crushing me many times, i know of your evil. but trust me on this, you will not win this war. with escalation of anger, sadism and emotions you are leaving deep scars that wont heal. it will reflect back on you. i will prevail.

patience

2010-08-09T16:14:00.001+08:00

i need patience, im loosing it fast, god help me.

going...

2010-07-29T05:37:00.002+08:00

deeper underground. a lot of important projects...scheduled up till...forever!

inception

2010-07-15T18:13:00.002+08:00

chris nolans best so far. one of the very few good movies this year. dont miss it. excellent play of the mind.

outlast

2010-06-15T13:59:00.003+08:00

when you realize people in the trade has no similar passion or a sense of responsibility as you do, the only thing left is to outlast them. like rotting, withering leaves from trees they will fall one by one and you will be left with your grand achievement - your experience. that matters most than anything else.

rebels

2010-04-01T00:17:00.002+08:00

Wrote this nearly two years ago and it still holds true. Sad that humanity never matured beyond their heads.

"The benefit of being youths living in a lawless world is that, when we see a door... we can kick it open or break it down. But is there still a risk of people saying that we are irresponsible? When we are just trying to open the doors to opportunity, in a society trying to cement such doors shut."

For the meaning, of being rebels is to break out of the mold. Youths in a lawless world are youths in a borderless society. The opportunity is what we have already created and stored behinds doors. The journey defines character.

1000th post

2010-02-15T04:37:00.005+08:00

[update]
some pics from my travels in sri rangam last year with hari, saravana and padhu. full gallery @flickr [ghost flickr]

ill start with paying tribute to the many fine souls who have taken this long 5 year journey with me. there was a moment in time this was a group blog. i have to thank vinitha and brian (wherever you are) for taking this ride and inspiring me. not forgetting the 2050 blog, which im still having hope of reviving some day. that was a fun ride and was from a moment everyone had a vision to share towards the future.

lets do something new for a change, lets walk the footsteps of others. we can make a difference.

//if my regular readers or anyone has something to share, please post the comments and leave a note that you want to be part of this running post. ill update it into the post. thank you.

from sungai petani to silicon valley

2010-02-15T04:09:00.003+08:00

ill be honest here. i've always felt this 'career' im in as a fluke. the same way i felt starting my postgraduate studies. a life of flukes. of stumbling upon?

i was chatting with my savior, mentor and recently convinced 'my quantum entangled twin' in a faraway land, Fred Lessing. he said i had this coming. we all had this coming. its something we wished for. to break the chains, is to go back to a stage in life in the Past and plan of this future you are living in. in short, you are time traveling all the time. is this stumbling upon...or a fluke?

just as india happening, america was a tall mountain i wanted to climb. in another history if I had the spirit to wade through my postgraduate studies i wanted to be a proper scientist there. but future histories are not so kind. one endeavor lost, opened windows to new pages in the book of careers.

from sungai petani to...a dream come true.

there must be hundreds of hardworking souls from this town i call 'the center of the universe' to work in silicon valley. but in my world this has been an amazing journey I had in a short couple years of doing what im doing now. me walking foreign lands is the greatest tribute i could give to the people who trusted in me. my capabilities and my results are from backbreaking work. in the chapters of my life that i lost so many other people with my blunt answers for their hopes...my parents hopes and dreams too, i found a few good ones who actually saw something i had in me which could make a difference. i am defined these days as i should have always been. i had this coming. patience was another name for it.

let this great adventure be a tribute to everyone who had know me all this years. who had crossed paths with me. particularly my guides and friends and the ones who in all the troubles of present day economics still see a way to accommodate my services.

its a border-less world today, tomorrow it will be a single world. tomorrow the struggles to travel will be much less than yesterday. and from yesterday i am going to repeat this stories tomorrow of how a lost soul made it to one of the great epitomes of modern culture because through some leap forward he managed to get rid of his fear. it will be hard to make most understand, but it has not been easy being under-equipped yet being able to do something. for those who understands, thank you.

i owe it to you world.

//a few things to remember of achieving dreams, give yourself the credit that was meant to be. you deserve every bit of it. let the whole world look away, look down, you are still the winner. you are the master of this history you are building!

india, of why

2010-02-15T03:31:00.004+08:00

india was a dream. and i achieved it in 2008. the memories of past lives, the staggering history of ancient civilizations, of beautiful colors and sounds. having lived nearly 3 decades with movies and stories of india, probably my future history itself could not bear to hold my urges anymore. india was a dream come true. it was a personal achievement of breaking boundaries and setting out into a new stage in life. of coming out of cowardliness and climbing a mountain there never was. it is a world which i have set apart so far away across the sea thinking I would never reach it ever in my lifetime. but the moment the plane landed and the familiarity of having 'been there in the motherland' sweeps in you know you are home, at last.

how or why india happened was not so easy to describe...ill try to put it in words.

back in school i started writing a story called 'india, an epic journey by a traveler never been there'*. it was part of my '50 things to do before i die' list. so this dream, like the story, sort of sparkled, fleeting in and out of existence as the years flew by (a good 5 years!). i wrote to about 20 pages and made my roommate at uni read from the withering paper of my 'epic' journey as i told him of my dreams. made him all teary when i said im going to set foot in the motherland to travel or to die. the masterpiece crumbled away into distant memory in one of the many shoeboxes hiding my stories. but i stuck with the idea, the principle of it. if i ever to get a passport to set foot on another political border, its going to be india.

2008 saw some of the worst moments in my life. depression over the years has reached unbearable proportions. and migraine and insomnia drove me crazy. each day was like a jail sentence for murder, waiting in fear and in wanting of the electric chair. towards mid year i was averaging 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day and going days without sleep sometimes. suffering from bad back pains, fingers going numb and sometimes in tears as i rushed to meet deadlines, my mind was working as if it was programmed for a servant robot. constantly crying and dismissing one by one people in my life. isolation and darkness gave me solace.

there is another chapter in this which happened unknowingly. while i will never regret going through it, it still fleets as something stupid that i have done during that time. probably a great loss in life is an opening for a great find.

i gathered my courage and much of whatever is left of my sanity and made a decision that india must happen now. for good or for worst i must leave and reach there for whatever life wants has in store of me. took a piece of paper and wrote 27th september on it. the day ill go to india (which thinking of it now sounds funny because i had no passport, no visa dont know an inkling of something called 'booking a ticket'!). i had 20 days to plan and fly. it all ended up happening in 10 days since i at many times tried to talk myself out of it...even after getting the visa and ticket! during this stage i had good friends encouraging me. still could not forget the day i picked up this laptop and my dslr with velan. the guy was more confused than me on what i was doing but he did not stop discourage me. my parents and family got the worst deal, a blunt sentence...' im going to india and i wont be back anytime soon'.

and so this reluctant wanderer made up his mind and went to the 'his cradle of civilization'. and how india went was already written somewhere in this blog and other minds. ill do a proper recap sometime later.

*i wrote a lot back in school, thanks to an amazing English teacher i had. he encouraged me a lot. and yes, most of my personal titles had 'epic' in it :P

//how much 'epic' is epic enough for life to unfold?

starscapes, coastal trains and dreams

2010-02-15T02:27:00.005+08:00

if life were to be defined by the many times you break down, drift lost in specific coastal domains where sunsets don't live, yet wake up another day to live it all again. to wake up.

if, in a life such as them, sprinkled random we have the enigmatic starscapes guiding us with Orion's triplets themself so that we are not lost in such dreams throwing us into faraway timescapes. these are dreams.

it is a life worth living. let all life be written in such words. let it be my life.

ive had this recurring dream during my childhood which made up a major part of the very few memories i have of my early years on this earth. its of this beautiful vista of a huge coast line with sail boats and ships. and in one image is a train snaking its way along the coastline and there i was immersed and overwhelmed by the whole thing, gawking at it from the veranda of my house. every time i had this dream i live through an euphoric state growing intense each time. a little kid lost in his own world. was it a vision of the future?

now, i am from this small town in the north of peninsular malaysia...the coastline being an hour away, let alone having trains along the shore. and sail boats and ships? then came my first experience on the penang ferry sometime in 1984 (i can still remember the year because the penang bridge was under its final stage of construction and was only opened in 1985. and while crossing the small straits from butterworth to the island, the bridge was visible in a distance with its tall beautiful spires and cables and unconnected in the middle). the imagery from childhood shapes an important part of the human mind.

the next decade were full of lucid dreams of starscapes and rocket ships. the deluge of tv programs and thank god for such a cool grandpa, god bless his soul wherever he is right now, my life is blessed with everything i wanted to watch. the mind was shaped and incidental findings (with the internet to verify :P ) build a stronger interest in tomorrows.

so this sailboats and coastlines....i saw them last year in san francisco and while taking the coast starlight from la to san jose. was stumped throughout the train journey actually thinking of all this. even the coach master was surprised of my silence...the wide eyed wanderer. i told her i ticked off a few items from my bucket list and well this is/was a dream come true.

and to put this post into perspectives, as i near my 1000th and landmark post in this blog, i wanted to say that life is indeed about the unknown. about the chances taken that breaks open new paths and of days broken and battered that made tomorrows seems all beautiful and never too late. life is about that little sunshine in the morning, the blessing of wind-scapes in the evenings and unending starscapes at nights.

//a celebration of the human spirit.

the emptiness of departure

2010-01-07T02:22:00.000+08:00

i was trying to attribute his words to where i stand in his life. some strange force brought us together, i was taking it as a mission to save people. to show others the proper way forward. we did all we can for the ones close to us. but in my mind, there is always him to save. its the urgency of life. there is an idea, the will and resources but there are no doors to reach. no even vague signals. this is a recent thing, this feeling of emptiness. its coming early in my 4th decade of life.

as i see it, i didn't have to find him. but i did. and all of us tried something to make his pain lesser. and he said today, we think the same thing and we want to do the same to everyone else. he works beyond his pain for others. but his life now is measured. i dont think him leaving will be a peaceful departure. it will always appear in my mind as a failure even when there are thousands out there with the same ailment who have been saved and are living beyond their time. whats worst is imagining the ones he loves. whats worst is the ones depending on him for guidance.

//the emptiness of departure

--|| Dark Resolutions ||--

2010-01-04T02:46:00.009+08:00

updated!

totally forgot, its supposed to be dark resolutions!

(1) fight club. i think its going to be the year I finally send invitation letters to my enemies and start a fight club...where I bash them up. you know who you are! im going to beat the crap out of you, then tie you down till you are nearly dead and then pour salt water on your wounds. then let you live for another year. then ill restart it all over.

(2) street racing. Im up to this, i just need to make sure I dont kill anyone. and i want to do this without using brakes.

(3) build a giant rocket shooting firework. ive had this in my list for ages, i think this time I can afford it. and tie the damn thing on top of Indrans' car and ride through town shooting rockets. middle east hell yea!

(4) monthly booze motivation holiday trips. its langkawi and a bunch of indian guys willing do put their livers on the line of fire. its the ultimate cocktail swingers in action. its the great gp drunkfest!!! the january theme is bombay saphire on the rocks. there aint much cocktail ideas with this i guess... :|

(5) start my own ponzi scheme. i have awesome ideas for this. if all goes well, I can make atleast a million bucks by the end of the year and the disappear to some island and never come back. but why stop there! expand to other countries and recruit recruit recruit! get more of my posse in and we can all have money-orgies!

(the sweeter resolutions are below)

i have made new year resolutions previously, i have forgotten ive made them. i do not follow them, i rarely follow advice, my own even.

my resolution for this year (and many years to come) is:

money. to make money, more than ever. (repeat after me)... money = happiness. you just need to figure the right currency, then live through the ride. all is good.

to travel more. yes.

other resolutions, that might or might not work.

read more books. ive read 342 books between 2001 to 2004. ive read 12 books between 2005 till the end of 2009. i dont like this pattern, i still have books in their shrink wraps and 5 year old magazines in unopened envelopes!

watch more good movies. i actually watched 5 tamil movies on dvd in the past 3 days. thats the total ive watched in cinemas the whole of last year! i liked Ayan, Thiru Thiru Thuru Thuru was good (and depressing for a single soul like me), rehashed varanam ayiram + kakka kakka + ghajini. need to get more anime and eng dvd's.

save money. rotfl.

buy a house. hmmmm...

see ya in 2011.

this in reply to Standby's post :)

2010

2009-12-31T12:16:00.000+08:00

happy new year everyone :)

phases of time, decaying decades

2009-12-30T17:35:00.005+08:00

there are many things interesting about evenings. sunsets touching the horizon and disappearing. providing beautiful perspectives laced with majestic colors. memories of photos, of revelry and sleeping. camping deep in the jungles, mountain scapes expanding all the way till tomorrow.

life taking a laid back course, winding down the road through valleys from emerging villages to bustling cities. yet the sun stays the same. evenings however, have changed phases. our lives have adapted to time shifts, we dont experience the same evenings as before. reading a book, walk to the dorm after class, running on infinity beaches. love. life aging in all directions, as mesmerizing sunrays paint the still skies long after the sun leaves our minds.

decades decay into memories, the mind tomorrow opens for younger days.

//we were young, I

avatar, and some

2009-12-28T03:22:00.004+08:00

for a movie as epic as this, failure to look away from its smaller moments causes bad reviews and uncalled for critical analysis. for the rest of us, we do see the bigger picture and we do enjoy good movies like this. we are enjoying a culture that defines human life.

it takes alot of guts for directors such as cameron, nolan or tarantino to move away from what traditional movie making is all about. if hollywood had a formula, similar to what some claim of indian movies, then that formula is reinvented every-year. these directors do not share the same philosophy, but they do stand by their creations. they dont have to be democratic. they are not the new steven spielberg or what has become of him.

moviegoers today are looking for a simple non-attached viewing experience. they do not want to be chained, they dont need to be forced to regret. they hope for an event in their life. they would want to watch a movie that can be a part of their life, just as the 2 hours spent in the theater is also a part of their life.

go watch good movies, its easy to know which :) go watch movies of your favorite actors, directors. dont read reviews even if its a 140 word twitter review.

5th blog anniversary

2009-12-21T02:34:00.002+08:00

was yesterday! :P

it was a fun ride all this while, thank you World for the inspiration!

endurance, legacy

2009-12-17T03:00:00.005+08:00

make it your mission to help the confused and lost souls. you have the ability to pass your wisdom and maturity to bring up such souls. they have huge capabilities. don't see them fail. if your heart tells you its the right thing, spend a little time and show some doors to them. tell them of the opportunity. give them the benefit of a doubt. you get to learn from them too. help them make some choices, listen to them. create some clarity, break away their confusion. its a dark, depressing cloud that suffocates them of life.

the soul is all about endurance. you have came this far because you have endured and lived your cause. the path is long, tomorrow is new day. a clean slate for ideas, passion and action. don't limit your life because someone asked you to live for yourself. there is a moral demand in you to help others achieve their dream. this is not a strangling demand stripping you off your choice of life. this is the moral rights of being human. you grow up watching your circle expand, and you gain wisdom being creators along your path of endurance.

when the time comes, you will know who to help and how to help. your view of life and how you build your days will ensure you see the ones who needs a hand.

leave a legacy. don't live for anything less than that.

sun-light

2009-12-17T02:41:00.003+08:00

i kinda have figured out why im being groggy and angry for the past few weeks. i haven't been going out much. i haven't actually seen a proper sunrise or sunset for so long (the only one was during the drive to the engagement). been literally working from midnight to midnight and sleeping at the wrong hours. just a couple minutes watching the evening sky yesterday cleared the much saturated mind.

there is definitely a deeper connection towards the sun than simply the rays. maybe we are indeed part of a bigger, grander tapestry than the religious foraging of documents and acknowledgement machine we have become.

in a couple a years when i analyze is all this insane work worth it, ill come back to this post.

rain

2009-12-11T03:30:00.003+08:00

rain awakens the most beautiful memories. walking under the tragically beautiful heavens. star systems untouchable, the aspirations of man dying prematurely not even crossing the graveyards surrounding our planets. and yet we are bathed in glass spheres from such magical flow of water.

rain was a time when, locked away in the many rooms across eons, i gazed through tiny holes in the walls hoping someday it will open for me to feel and walk in the mesmerizing new streams flowing in ether. from those tears reflected a lifetime, of watching you engrossed with fog, speckles of sun ray and decaying leaves deep in the forest where rain formed spectacular memories. we were prisoners of idealism, building utopia that in itself is imperfect when caressed by the rain.

i don't remember much of the bonfire we shared under the same stars we strewn across continents of life. there was the phone calls, the only connection for you to share the cold drizzles from my frame, droplets from sanctuary trees with its leaves forming fragile shelters. raindrop floating free in the vacuum of earth falling slower than the time you feel. your gaze towards me empty and disappearing into the fog. i was invisible to you. forces held together the melting rivers of time flowing around us yet not connecting. holding this world together rain was just never ending.

the one time i climbed into a droplet, floating up and eventually captured by wind currents hopping from clouds to the stratosphere. i found pockets of architectural wonder, of rain biomes within shelter leaves on many giant trees. edge cities float across the atmosphere each learning to capture the first drops of rain.

//rain. Such mystery.

in being you, me

2009-12-11T02:48:00.003+08:00

paths are confusing, the ripples of the previous moment running through my mind. its actually an observation that fails to satisfy the urge of time. sometimes we feel that we are standing outside our mind and observing events unravel. broken gazes, shattered connections from teary eyes. the feeling of deep sorrow, and days and days of reflection which turns into compassion for people we would never meet again. broken timelines long our journey.

our journey through life are along mirror walled paths. however we want to be the observer in turn we are observing ourselves. not the thought projecting to be the actions of others, but just the others living our lives. and us of their life and times. during some fractions of the flow, time bends and entangles our walk and weakens our focus. there we are made to choose a new path. we wish for enduring spirit at those times, we wish for familiar faces and most importantly we wish for guidance.

believing in your spirit will guide you through the new paths. there will be momentary lapses, a broken wing and great falls. we walk on. enduring the winter, through all the seasons of time. these are stories i write for myself, for future times.

december, december

2009-12-11T02:24:00.003+08:00

still buried in, reading all my past december posts. amazing stuff. i guess december and september will always be my favorite months. september has always been about the beginning of everything. i have always kept the important decisions to be made and walked in this month. important events, junctures faced, journeys started and ended in september. i was born in september.

december in the other hand is a magical. schools holidays are always the best in december. the greatest adventures in growing up happened then, the travels to faraway relative's, the hiking and camping with my school scouts troop and the eventual december breaks at universities that fast signaled my unwillingness to return home for holidays anymore. decembers was when the past crumbled slowly, making way to clean slates, to the stronger self.

december was also when love was found and lost.

this marriage season

2009-12-09T03:51:00.003+08:00

im being extra careful of this marriage season (this Indian marriage season). a close friend of mine got married, and which ultimately bringing the number of unmarried dudes in my circle to less than 5. dangerous times. thats not even scary, but considering a couple of my cousins will be married in the coming year, im practically walking the plank above the sea of marriage oblivion here.

im just wondering how many more years i can keep escaping this dicey issue, claiming of 'some plan I have to be successful in life' or 'my ultimate mission is to save the world'. they didn't buy it the first time, they never will. impending doom.

crossing old bridges

2009-12-08T14:33:00.002+08:00

i've been reading through my past posts in anticipation of reaching a milestone in the weeks to come. reading old posts brings back good memories and at the same time clearly defines the linguistic hurdles that we sometime work past in our writings. basically put, the english have improve tremendously, but the flow suffered. ideas seemed to be much more fluent before, and engaging.

the good thing about broken flow in today's posts is that we let the readers expand the ideas themselves. each sentence has the potential to spawn greater depth, spiral into greater complexity or just present the qualities needed to branch of new schools of thought.

fountains

2009-11-14T03:46:00.003+08:00

by definition// who are we? we are city jumpers. we live in the shadow worlds, in-between our yesterday and our today. and for months we roam the masses for emotions and relations wishing for minimalistic colors, of duo-tone clothes, and contemporary architecture. our cities are strewn with broken materials. leaking roofs, rubbish and fallen monuments. we are reverse engineering the future. we are seeing the past as we move forward. this is the year 2009.

new worlds, cities and beyond. an informal meeting of old friends, old stories, old cities, old ideas. so we were driving back in memories along the same path to reach this new city. that we left 20 years ago and imagining how it all would have changed. we find this new buildings and facades and cascading fountains and led lights and floating ad boards and nestled in all this electronics are those old streets and stores and restaurants and your barber shop. so he asked what does it all mean? is this really 2020?

defining moments, who we are. we are creators of this century old cities, and then we tweak and turn things to make the engines work churning out millions of new stories each day so that those new souls can remember what is the past while contributing just as we did to the future and all the while sitting along the seashores watching the waves hit and carry away tiny pebbles one by one. then finally one day the dream ends. we did not age, the cities crumble, the future just decays one particle at a time.

//finding meaning for the existence. part one.

a return to (the) movies

2009-10-24T00:24:00.002+08:00

the process of watching a movie is challenged tremendously when you are abnormally attracted to a single character, no matter if they're the main focus, or just the supporting cast. the process eventually gets too comfortable when you identify with a character. the medium and liberation of complexities of movie making, when translated into an art house minimalistic marvel is a beautiful product. wash away the colors of materials, construct light created architecture, render nights during day. focus on the face and eyes. play with music as if the music itself builds the image cells. movies are beautiful when made with the right ensemble of life.

[i loved Darren Aronofsky's PI]

the beanstalk

2009-09-27T01:58:00.004+08:00

the beanstalk, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

many lessons in growing up, it offers
wishing for many more, for everyone else
another day, spent waiting for rain

rarity of reasons

2009-09-22T02:30:00.003+08:00

daybreak. as we drove along the winding mountain road and the fog played for as long as we wished for. i tried to find connections for those moments, and the past i always loved to look and dream of. life strangles every last breath of history. many chapters have eroded into some heaven locked away with synapses severed.

the decline of reasons. i look back to find my mistakes. i could not solve it for it has happened. solving it would not absolve the future either.

finding reasons. so we were there sitting along the banks of the mighty river, in a distance the thundering fall echoes a deep yet melodious vibration. mingling with the lights of fireflies and sounds of fog brushing and caressing dew drops. around us meadows with blue flowers, and when morning comes it turns white. many reasons are always there, even before events unravel.

the rarity of reasons. for some moments in time we loose every causal link to the past and future. those moments bring no reason, it must have some but it doesn't have to be there. beautiful moments. during this moments of rarity, we just live freely, wandering and wondering about this big bold world. a beautiful colorful tapestry, during every morning and a cool night during every sunset. it comes and it leaves, leaving traces unsatisfactory. when the age ends, we scramble and scrape every existence out there to bring out the sight and sound and smell of lost memories to live it one more season.

seasons, rarity of reasons

eternity shores

2009-09-13T19:35:00.003+08:00

they sat there by the shores, looking up at the majestic nebula painted skies. life has led them wandering over many worlds, searching through time and many creations. colonies of humans set forth to every corner of the galaxy building new empires dreaming of everlasting civilizations. future histories written and for time eternity not shared among us, humans. life has found new shores, the heart remain lost. solitude cities bathed by ancient photons in many new solar systems, neon streets connecting pockets of hungry minds. great archeological discoveries litter the galactic museums, given prominence standing among earths greatest treasures. we still marvel this great universe, leaping from one insignificant time point to another. hungry and unsatisfied.

and the question remains, where are they, the ancient gods.

[strange symmetries]

and sometimes

2009-09-12T17:24:00.003+08:00

people fall for the same trick, again and again and again...
dont they know the punishment for blindly following the wrong truth is death? and the person using trust as a weapon will have to pay for it for eternity.

there is still one way to end all this. ask for forgiveness and we shall put all behind.

free fall

2009-09-08T01:18:00.003+08:00

free fall, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

flowers are amazing in quantum moments

when they are least aware of their majestic beauty

[/+] do visit the whole gallery @flowers

to live

2009-09-01T20:35:00.004+08:00

there were times when solutions came easy, but at moments like this I think the only way out is the way in-to the soul, to read, write and travel.

lost

2009-08-30T02:31:00.004+08:00

after endless hours of trying hard not to get carried away and drawn into the awful criticisms by those close to me, i had to convince myself that i cant really see a direction in front of me. there have been countless times in the past years that i struggled hard to climb up from the rut, from stagnating in this rooms that whoever claims control over me built around me. there have been times and again that i cut off ties, cleaned up the mess and walked on, as always saying to myself that even the sky knows its limits, not the endurance we immerse our souls in.

i have drawn lines and paths and words in the darkness to show that there is a way for anything to happen and everything to be solved. i have been fortunate of all the love in life that everyone who understood me showed me. i have been in the kind eyes of them to see that i needed help, and they took me in to connect the lines to make sure i achieve the many things i aspire to do. i have tried and gave my best, and i am still lost. i cant stand the pain that even after a good many years of doing what i do, taking care, building character and living up to their standards, i am still pushed back like some burned match stick, whos' use are sometimes only witnessed by those who pick them up from the streets from random admiration. what more and what else can i do, i am lost today.

i have thread carefully, i have paid my dues, i have at all times made sure i live up to the trust and care that some good souls have showed me. i gave unparalleled loyalty to all those who lent me a hand, pulled me up. i worked my way up with such force and determination of not wanting them to look bad. it was not for me, it was for everyone else. i did all this to make sure no one dies during my lifetime and leave me alive with a broken soul.

today, i feel the world has left me somewhere that i cant crawl back. i look ahead towards some charted fate knowing this life will go on at its will. i feel the things that will happen, will take its course, as it was determined on some slate. i have no control. i have been drawn in some pages to live till the eventual. i have no control of anything, i have made bad choices, i have begged forgiveness from god. all i want is to change the people close to me so that they can live a good life. in all this circus they continue everyday to live careless, to not see the virtues of what it would be to not live a lonely and painful. they have everything their way and yet they waste away. i only want to see them be grateful for what they are having, what they receive everyday. it pains me to see them waste their able lives, it pains not to be able to influence them of the good that they can live to see in this world. i feel numb to see them rot away. i don't want to give up hope on them, but maybe, a day will come when they are what they wished to be. and i will not be alive to see them and be happy. i am lost and dying in the darkness.

`the days when beautiful thoughts are shared among their friends and family, they don't know the dynamics of how that came to be. i know how it will be tomorrow, when even them brothers will laugh and dismiss me away for after all i have do is not remembered anymore. let it be the time they look back, when im gone to know that i did all i could and they have forgotten to take me in when i needed everyone the most.

to write

2009-08-27T03:41:00.003+08:00

I used to think that to write a blog post, you need to interact and travel and see and experience the world. To find something to describe a unique occurrence, a situation and place. To unravel the beauty of the moment with words which in turn can also be justified with a beautiful image of the moment.

Now I realize the only way to write a blog post resides in finding the Time to write it. And all along, the experience of the moments we wish to describe withers away from words, living only in random memories, and future histories.

[-/] welcome back Miladysa :)

the Internet town

2009-08-15T08:15:00.004+08:00

dogs barking on every street, occasional fires, the homeless, the same music repeating every minute of the day. welcome all to the Internet town.

after a while even the noise of silence gets boring, and sometimes even the blind get perturbed by the immaturity some display of not seeing the obvious.

and in this pile of decomposing human thoughts, the only certainty is that there are still good blogs in some faraway corner of the streets, occasionally.

uravugal thodarkathai

2009-08-11T02:34:00.004+08:00

my take on it,
life is made of never ending stories of finding, living, misplacing and loosing love.

[#] Uravugal Thodarkhatai is a timeless masterpiece by Raja, was telling a friend today that i want this as my death song :) probably the people then would surmise my life accordingly.

pacific crest trail

2009-08-06T17:16:00.002+08:00

pct trail, at 8000 feet, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

hiked the pacific crest trail today, its one of the national scenic trails in California. Jim and I started at 7000 feet elevation, the hike is for about 10 miles and the highest point is 8950 feet right before the end. It took me about 6 hours to complete the 10 miles hike, Jim was of course an expert on the trails and ended up about half an hour before me :)

The total length of the PCT is 2650 miles with snow covered mountains during winter, and generally a pleasant and beautiful hiking trails during normal season. Beautiful wildflowers, blue skies and the occasional bears and mountain lions (which we most probably wont ever see during daytime).

was dreaming for so long on doing the Appalachian trails, the PCT is a dream come true, thanks to Jim :)

www.pcta.org/

the walks

2009-08-03T16:00:00.003+08:00

i have walked so far, i don't feel like stopping at all
the nomad lives on, in many memories

something from the roads

2009-08-01T10:45:00.003+08:00

returning to the same places a few times in our lifetime makes us brand new. at many times emanating a kind of energy that creates new universes of warmth and familiarity. knowing you belong there, however alien the people be, you know you belong there. let it be for only a second of the lifetime in cosmic perspective. life was there then.

and you sit there at the side of the road looking at them walk by along with time. you look down at their footprints, and all you see is your past walks.

and when the next city comes 10000 miles after, you see a whole new existence. erasing the past days and from the fractured time lines you pick the sharpest shards to carve out new footprints.

you create the paths, you walk on it and it goes on. for the many cities in that million year journey, the many miles in a godless universe. you only see things that brings awe.

writing a thesis on the life of a time traveler.

weird day

2009-07-29T07:02:00.003+08:00

woke up at 3 am feeling totally out of place. nightmares again, people offering me jobs, standing at the cashier counter, walking the piers, wtf moments. and all this in my dream! so what actually freaked me out was that when I woke up, all the doors in the room was open, the closet, the bedroom door, etc. no one broke in, but i felt it in my sleep that something was going on in the room. the first thing i did after waking up was to get my laptops and place it on the bed with me. forgetting even to check my passport and wallet...sigh.

im not sure if some ghost has been following me around in this trip, or was it the same one thats been following me a decade now. crazy stuff i tell you. not a moment passes that i feel 'not alone' wherever i go. try figuring that out.

again and again

2009-07-28T04:17:00.005+08:00

i dont know how to explain this reign of confusion. i'm definitely not an organized person when it comes to work. i hoard stuff, emails, notes, letters and even atm receipts, but i really dont know how to keep it all together. organize it. and when this new client came in and started talking about the process, timelines, Scheduling and stuff, it finally dawned upon me that they are more that just big words. i used to brush them aside because everything is streamlined and online nowadays. everything is just there, the tools. i just need to log in, get my work, finish, port it back, invoice and im done. its all there, numbered processes. but then im loosing out of the big picture here. there is no communication with the local environment where the work happens. or if its in another country, there is no serious discussions about usability and target markets and such. all this while i was thinking of the presence and not the commanding position that i should strive to be.

the market is flooded, inundated by wet ears. theyre welcome to come, but then there must be some space for the experienced to do their stuff. hence, to put it all together, the new client comes, and learns the process and immediately wants cheaper people. because they want many brains working on the same thing, to get a well rounded result, rather than one person dictating whats good and not for the market. theyre gonna pay, lets say 2 cents for each person in the process, and then keep 90% of the profit to themselves. for doing what? for getting the customer. how on earth do anyone come up in this kind of market?

[tbc]

small boundaries/ layers of our worlds

2009-07-24T05:58:00.004+08:00

i always wanted to know this, what do you do with your surroundings? rather, what do you do in your surroundings, your city, school, house, even life. do you explore it in tiny circles that grow bigger, maybe like peeling an onion do you slowly peel the layers of your environment and discover many magical things a day at a time. do you do the same at places you travel to, for work or study.

and when the layers end, and the circle's big enough to cover your immediate reach, how do you retrace back the magic, the warmth and security that those past circles provide. its not about finding humans, its about finding certain assurance when we peek into the corner and find a new world. each time.

its a nice feeling :)

so, tell me how do you live your surroundings, your worlds?

new life philosophies

2009-07-23T04:57:00.005+08:00

disregard of life's pain, the moment's destruction of any sanity in this world, disregard of anything, what keeps us going? i guess its work, even in grave problems we only manage to wake up another day because we are indebted with work to others. no man is a boss to any work he does, in my experience no matter how independent we choose to be, there are always people who will criticize, review, dissect and be the new boss of our work. hence, in this whole chaotic, fragmented existence that marks the adult life of many of us, the salvation to a calmer life comes from struggle and sacrifice. and to borrow from orkut; 'Toil to make yourself remarkable by some talent or other...'. everything's in there, you can make it happen. sometimes it takes some maturity, less fear, an open mind and a clear sky to just make it happen. ill live with this philosophy today.

a few more steps

2009-07-21T02:29:00.004+08:00

this time i got myself to stop advising myself. like the stuff you tell to assure yourself things are right or wrong, on whether its going to be ok and all. nope, that doesn't work in the long run. leaders dont advice themselves. the world never did so too. there is this clean slate every morning for us to walk on, capture, paint, sing to, work on, paste the lives of others. im going to try that from now on.

on other steps; i made a pact with a buddy of mine that if i ever get tired of life or whatever im doing, im just going to backpack and roam the world. its possible, cant make everyone happy all the time. so the best thing is to stay away from the negative ones, and enjoy the prospects of this chaotic world.

believing that humans are just clinging to people because they cant strike out on their own. others are important, but others need to give a hand in fulfilling the meaning of being together. the years to come will be filled in figuring why some are so easy to get along with and why some build walls.

again, life is not a thesis, and everything else for that matter doesn't need an explanation. what needs certain activity is living the space around us. what does living in the present means? does it mean ignoring all else to strive for our own better future. and where does the better future factor in when everyone has left and you need a helping hand. maybe even a few words of encouragement, do you come back then to say you matter, again?

the final steps are for simple things. simple happiness, simple sorrow, simple love and simple life. the simple things in life, in love, in work and in travels. the days and nights, the midnight star. those kind of things. the wandering mind, the struggling heart, the fighting spirit. all of it.

[/-] future retrospective on a few things, on all things.

it was something i really wished for

2009-07-19T01:06:00.002+08:00

when i tried to put everything into perspective, it dawned that if I had not made some stupid moves this would have been a perfect setting for beautiful things. many had come, many had left, those memories. for some I wish never have brushed for they left me to weep on imaginary graves.

in front of my eyes you walked into some distance, then you turned back and returned. my visions are from my dreams. the happiness were only in my dreams, when my eyes stay closed. wasn't it you who made me wake up and achieve those dreams. unknowingly finding tears, in between warm breezes in foreign lands.

like love, those too pass away. withering in the wind, struggling in summers, waning in winter, silent springs and audacious autumns. none so beautiful like the soul you showed me. me only. to know that two people belong together and then to see it break apart and to live the sorrow, mere seasons don't paint absolution for bold dreams of yesterdays.

there was this scape i drew for you. there were mountains in the distance, monsoons from rain forests outside the balcony and when the painting was completed, it drowns even the sound of heavy droplets on still roofs of that beautiful house. built for you and me. and as we walked together into this unending journey, threading, jumping from color to color to see a whole new life awaken.

how i dreamed these pages, how for a year i believed there could be something. how life throws us amazing opportunities, how it brings us amazing people to show the opens doors we frequently ignored. how blissfully ignorant could some minds be to wait for a miracle from the sky, how even that waiting is justified for souls like you to come and show the breaking rays from eternity clouds.

how lovely were you, on that summer day, along the shores of forgotten seas, as you waited for me with faith. how was I to know what words were right and which were wrong. how the minutes became hours and daylight melted away along with the fog. when then night came, and I was still not there, when sanity came and it was too late for me. you left, maybe forever.

it hurts as no one ever understood, no one ever does. for all that had happened in great distances, could have been so much more beautiful from a touch away.

requiem for a life, for love

[#] something random, for a dude who sleeps 3 hours a day, every dream turns amazingly beautiful, amazingly heartbreaking and amazingly weird.

of many things

2009-07-07T02:11:00.004+08:00

something about getting older makes you realize that the world is never in pace with you. provided we have in some ways tried to keep pace with the dynamics of humanity, we might have arrived in/ to the future. but then, try however we might, we are always left behind in this game. the world is either too in front of you tomorrow morning, or have stopped catching up with you.

life is full of heartbreaks, just like how we lost yesterday, how we are loosing today. we simply have to live that many days more.

the beauty of working, is the satisfaction that we are doing something more that not doing anything. the happiness is in watching others be happy and proud for us, at us, about us.

always respect, accept and acknowledge those who try. there are shoes, we can never fit in. then there are false shoes, that never exist. but for those who try, and try, and fail and try with tears and blood, their steps make deep impressions on their experience and ours. appreciate their lives. pull someone up. even if it means stopping for a while.

on being honest. we have choices, and that involves removing people who slow you down, or whom tries to stop you. these people are not honest about their lives, nor will they ever be about ours. dont waste time on them. just leave them. if your move is clear, you would know who to leave, who not to. after all, there are only so many tomorrows, and only a lifetime to live and celebrate.

~of love. never give up :)

mj, 2

2009-07-07T02:09:00.004+08:00

there will never be a closure, we waited for a comeback. and now, he never will.

mj

2009-06-26T10:19:00.001+08:00

rip. king. mj.

this transformers movie

2009-06-24T18:43:00.005+08:00

if you're a fan, go watch it. if you're a fan from the start of the cartoon many years ago, go watch it and I hope you don't come out cursing. if you're a sucker for mindless actions movies from Michael Bay, go watch. go with 'no hope', no expectations. this is a 2.5 hours advertisement for the now dead GM and the US Army. it has the worst acting possible ever for a summer movie this year because it has that 'Shia LaBeouf' dude in it. I felt, after watching this, that Terminator 4 was a decent movie.

my take: total crap. but who cares.

girl from chennai

2009-06-21T04:44:00.003+08:00

wishing you a happy married life :)

[/] girl from chennai

disappearing paradises

2009-06-20T02:45:00.004+08:00

sunset at the trans-eastern highway, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

We first ventured to the Pedu near the borders of Malaysia/ Thailand about 5 years ago. The highway in the picture was under construction then, and there was an original route that ran through pristine and rare rain forest. It navigates along the Pedu (and Beris )lake which is a huge man made lake. The giant Tualang tree grows in this forests and can reach heights of 250 feet, on which the Asian Rock Honey Bee's build their nests.

I was under the impression that the project was stalled, but today we found out its still going on. This magnificent sunset captured from the highway that was carved out of paradise has a dark agenda hidden beneath it. The original scenic route that passes along the Pedu lake was destroyed to make way for a more direct route. Hills were blasted, and the land was mutilated to build this highway. There are still a few vantage points to view the lake, but the surroundings are gone for good. The lake itself is a famous fishing spot, but the signs of ongoing development, of which, this particular highway has been going on for nearlly 10 years, has damaged the site permanently. I wonder who wants to use this lost highway, since the state itself is very well connected for so many years. And how did a Conservation Forest such as this been allowed to be developed...

I was just chatting with Neha about how our cities and towns are being spaced out, and I guess this will always be a forward development rather than waiting for anyone to take a back step to consider nature. One day you will wake up to see your backyard gone, one day maybe you will step out to an alien land. Think about it...maybe you can change the situation in your communities.

[/] My Pedu Flickr Set

[/] Tualang Tree (with pics)

false prophets

2009-06-18T02:30:00.004+08:00

some days even the mindless ramblings will evolve into something stupid, with a life of its own and noise that permeates the invisible halls of the Internet. the noise is everywhere, it blinds you. you can actually see the noise suffocating you like haze on a scorching hot and humid day. and when you seek the origin, you see false prophets. the preachers from every road you take, the spreader of hate and hope. you don't need to take a class to know who to trust and not to. people will be preaching till butterfly flies out of their arses to change you. and you must not. you change when you have the will and power to change yourself. and don't believe the false prophets, they seek gratification, ego, lust, power and justification for being loud. they shout, they bite. but you don't stop to throw stones at all dogs. as a matter of fact, you don't have to stop at all. whats holding you back, unless you choose the believe the insane. the windows into their brain, the washing of their yesterdays. their lives are mundane, they are insignificant.

you are empowered, you are destined to achieve many things from your persistent chiseling on the walls of this universe. you believe and you achieve. you don't have the wrath of god, or the limitations of the society to fear. these are the false prophets. there is a false prophet at every corner of the road and they are there to make you break your promises. the promises you make to yourself everyday, in the morning to make this day the best. you walk your path to achieve your efforts. achieve, and get the results. that's what matters, results. nothing else. the result is the journey, when you stack your results you look at a great journey to the future. no regrets, no wrath, no vengeance just you and your world and the ones who are happy for you. take not a step backward. beware of false prophets. but don't be afraid of them.

(i don't have disclaimers for this post, these words are collections of wisdom's from my research years, from many nights of deciphering humans and the universe)

playgrounds

2009-06-16T04:49:00.006+08:00

playgrounds are changing,
spending time figuring new games,
rather than playing the existing rules

[/]My Flickr

rare sunsets

2009-06-11T03:42:00.004+08:00

the tanjung dawai sunset is (or was) as illusive as ever. after trying for ages, finally managed to capture one without cloud cover at all. it was really a sight to behold.
[more in my Flickr]

[+] seriously swamped with work, managed to get my projects set, company setting up nicely. working on some neat ideas to be launched very soon :) Oh btw...the new iPhone 3GS has a Malay UI. Hoping for Indian languages next year. :)

some scapes i dont have control

2009-06-07T05:05:00.004+08:00

today i experienced the most ethereal feeling ever in a very long time. something akin to the passing time stopping still, having no meaning to an everlasting night. the darkness and the stars the only constant in this still world. what mattered were the humans, and the minds that roam the universe.

and among all this, among lost voices, serene starscapes, cool breezes and magical music, i felt the fragility of the human spirit, in me. never having the ability to know if things are happening too fast, developing out of control, for the good or for worst, the feeling of being fragile is similar to death.

rendering the extremes

2009-06-04T04:02:00.004+08:00

a ghost call woke me up, but there were no flash of light or even the magical beginning of fort minors where'd you go. its another day i woke up in my dream. this lucids are getting too chaotic, im loosing control over the places i want to travel.

knowing well im paralyzed in the real world and sensing only the humid air blown around by the ceiling fan which have been torturing itself for weeks now to bring some sanity to me. it is my marker to know whether im awake or not. it too failed me alot of times. i never know when im awake, i would just be falling out of dreams for hours before something real, some human wake me up.

this happened around December last year, the ghost call. i woke up, no calls and went to the window. it was a beautiful day and in the far horizon I could see wind swept mountain tops. the details were mesmerizing as the soft ice blankets are blown in slow motion into nothingness. it is a dream, i realized, but not the one i set out to live that night. i went out of the front door just to watch in fleeting moments the mountains and white snow changing into glass structures of buildings and houses. people were looking at the sky. i could see some of the usual characters of my lucids together with me now. the blue sky was rendered cloudless in a few seconds as bright flashes of light swept from all corners of the world. people were still affixed at the sky experiencing the whole event, speechless i can only assume. in a minute or two the clear ultra blue sky turned silvery grey and then blobs of what may be particles or nano machines appeared. they were slowly eating the sky and in the breaks were fire akin to the boiling surface of the sun. in that moment of panic i woke up. i had the same dream repeating twice more. then it ended.

probably it was a vision of end days when the sun swallows the near planets of the solar system.

[more strange days]

unending journeys and graveyards

2009-06-03T01:45:00.006+08:00

there was always this fixation with long journeys. it started from all those mysterious bus journeys when i was a kid. though the memories are vague now, I could still remember a few vivid moments, tragic at most times. bus journeys used to take half a day back then before the highway was build. And the longest would be one whole day from one end of the peninsular to the other.

but thats not the story. the story was how this passion for travelling took many twisted turns, painful yet liberating. it was always The university that provided the starting point for many adventures. knowing, and threading new roads with the assurance that the earth wont open up and eat you. try holding up a wide eyed wanderer too long, and this is what happens.

and hence, the first real long journey was not far. it was during the ragging, an universal indian tradition in universities around the world, that took me out, exorcised the ghost in me. i was dumped at a graveyard along with a few unfortunate souls to sit out the night. and the catch, since there is always one, is to bring back some souvenirs from the realm of the dead. much easier was getting the frangipani flower, rather than trying to break some shards from tombstones. nope, no digital cameras back then, not with me anyway.

that one jump was turned into a whole night of salvation hunting. suddenly the graveyards opened up into fields where we looked for glory. for bragging rights and stories for generations. we ran and played hide and seek, we shouted and dreamed the stars away. there was no ghost. the next day, we volunteered for this 'punishment' again with another group of intrigued seniors. and the next as well.

a few years after, in another travel through the eastern jungles of the peninsular we rode through many graveyards, many afterlife homes. they have the best stories, they let the best imaginations work. if the travel was with equally goofy dudes, you get the most horrific tales laced with sex and adventure. but it was with the lorry drives that you get the most real stories complete with battle scars. and that is when all the fear you worked to exorcise over the years come hunt you again, every night. never challenge a true story teller, especially if he has a reputation at it. like when he says at around 2.45 am every day a bald ghost with burning head walks from the graveyards over the hills, you dont laugh at him. because when you do see one, maybe not a clear vision, but when you do see some fire floating in air walking towards the road at 2.45 am sharp, you rather wish to be dead. try starting a conversation after that. you'd be lucky if you dont fall sick for a week or two. but seeing stuff at a distance is much better than getting ambushed by vampires on trees. or your friendly early morning trekker waving at you in all white. or the black bald men of the old federal roads.

i have forgotten the exact routes but have always remembered the tales. i will be making another journey along the eastern routes in the near future. maybe this time ill be lucky enough to document some...

yawn

2009-06-02T14:40:00.001+08:00

serious yawn. i dont know if I have lost the plot, or the blog-o-village have devolved. go figure :)

eternal quest

2009-05-31T04:40:00.002+08:00

so he began another day in his eternal quest for the restaurant at the end of the universe, perched high on a mountain, looking over rainbow toned fog invaded valleys and distant waterfalls swaying in slow motion, akin to satin shawls caressed by wind from shoulders of maidens in their own weekend dreams. and it repeats ad infinitum, for months.

and the days, when turning into night, just during the 5 minutes period when the mighty sol sets into the edge of water, the sea and waves appeared calm, reflecting an electric blue hue, with just a touch of orange sliver all the way from space to me, completing a magical evening dream.

back in time, thousands of revolutions around the sun, in the mighty jungles of panthers and headhunters, the roar of giant waterfalls from tepuis pricking the forever clouds of centuries of rain, he emerged stealthily, in his blue jeans, black t and a nikon. hunting.

first tonight, he has to sleep. to complete his current lucid, for he has stories to tell, too many.

[some others]

your audience

2009-05-27T23:46:00.005+08:00

the web is saturated, sometimes its overwhelming to the point it makes you shut it off all together. but at most times you come back, with the hope of finding some changes. i guess web technologies will always evolve, many good things will materialize, but if you are expecting something towards a minimalistic appearance, catering just the things you need at any point of time, then the wait might never end. its always a cycle from free content towards monetizing it, and you are in the receiving end of ads and viral apps all thrown at you at light speed.

in the beginning when i started blogging, i was mad about everything on the web, i quoted a lot of other writings, poems and images. i still do this, but now I do it in facebook; that is one platform you can trash out stuff, and live to see it burn. people take what they want, and if they dont want it, they can ignore it, and you cant expect them to complain about it on facebook or twitter - these are just tools, you dont like it, you leave.

if you stay long enough in the web world, you expect to mature in blogging and eventually you might offer streamlined content with 'your' brand. quoted writings will make way for your own stories and poems, and you will be capturing the world with your camera and present beautiful images from your point of view, from your moments. your experience will be translated into books, albums, music, etc. it is a great thing if you can achieve this, and it happens only when you know your audience. you collect the best opinions, and it shapes your creative output. the best audience you have, your true friends, will encourage the perfect output they see you are capable of. this is why you need your target audience.

its good after a few years of blogging to have your target audience. it wont take long to realize who among your readers like what kind content. when you have web Readers, regular users will have the patience to sieve through each blog and read what they want. but at most times, there will be many passable posts, contents. this is where you must find some responsibility of knowing what to write, when to write and to whom you target it. it is your blog, but when its public space, people do get bored. many will leave, and trust me, that is a good thing. the more you shed unwanted readers, the better your writing experience will be. some readers will have an expectation from you, and they will get frustrated on the rants and whines (me, guilty as ever), on the hate posts, on the broken records, etc. if you know your target audience, you will reduce this and in time know from heart your best offerings, your true capabilities.

so, you want to make a presence, and get something good out of this web experience, know your audience. faking it wont help, don't live in a perpetual tangent trying to accommodate certain viewpoints only. you cant get good posts all the time, so take time off, requote old writings, repost old writings, and yes go back to old habits sometimes, post good stuff from others. but keep in mind, the current scenario of web; people just dont care. your circle gets small, especially if its a reading circle. flickr expands because each image is a post with no commitment, you look you like you comment you leave. blog posts require attention and time that the readers dont have, even when they have web Readers. the next time you post, get organized. if you are good at writing stories, get a separate blog for stories only, same with poems, and images. and have one blog where you write the everyday stuff, and promote your speciality writings in this blog, as excerpts, and invite your audience to what they want only, and they will definitely be happy to come again, knowing you are in control of your digital footprint.

464

2009-05-25T17:00:00.002+08:00

sami hyypia
a true liverpool legend

hope one day he returns to liverpool fc

[#] sami played 464 games for lfc for 10 glorious years

getting up

2009-05-24T02:11:00.004+08:00

there is something about falling down that is so painful that eventually you become numb of the pain. but there is no numbness when you get back up and finish your task. then we will see who made what mistake. celebrate now sinners, i know i will live to see the day of retribution.

reaching heavens

2009-05-19T01:51:00.003+08:00

reaching heavens, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

Do visit my Crissy Field collection@flickr. I really love this series of flower, birds, beach and magnificent vistas at the Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy. Thank you :)

[+] Crissy Field

light voyagers

2009-05-15T02:16:00.002+08:00

light voyagers, originally uploaded by Ghost Particle.

lets sail the high seas!

(i agree, we need bigger boats)

what if we hit a sand bank? or a fog bank?

or a storm? or pirates?!

or crazy crew mates? hungry cannibalistic crews? seasick sailors?

do we bring pets too?

which sea do we start with?

do we need passports for every sea border we sail into?

(too many unknowns....)